All I Want For Christmas Is...

Well, the season to be jolly is back again, and this time Ssa has asked us all for a Christmas list. I think it only appropriate that we respond promptly and without complaint. After all, the man has generously provided us with a forum through which we can exchange ideas (or thrust them mercilessly upon the helpless readers) at no cost other than our immortal souls.

Besides all that, I really want to get some of the stuff on my secret list for Christmas, and I think that perhaps this is the best way to realize that dream. So, without further delay, I bring you...

SLINKY'S CHRISTMAS LIST:

• - 1 HAZMAT suit (I've always wanted one of those)
• - 1 guillotine (the first step towards setting up my shrunken head collection)
• - 100 feet of razor wire (to keep the dogs out of my room)
• - Mt. Logan renamed after me (I hear it's still up for grabs, since Trudeau didn't get it)
• - 1 Ursus MVI Bear Protection Suit (perfect insulation against all of nature's little dangers e.g. wasps, thorns, nettles, genital herpes, jellyfish and grizzly bear attacks)
• - 1 MILLION dollars (muhahahahahahahahahaha)
• - 1 gerbil (live)
• - 1 20" statue of Colonel Sanders (if I told you, it wouldn't be a secret)
• - a lifetime supply of Pepsi (it seems to cause neurons to rapid-fire, leaving my mind a veritable breeding pond for fucked up ideas)
• - 1 slinky (my namesake!)
• - my two front teeth (straightened)
• - 1 life-size nude statue of Martha Stewart (for my girlfriend)
• - 1 dartboard (with armour piercing darts)
• - 1 attachment for a FIDO Nokia 5198 cellular phone (to attach to the dartboard)
• - 1 Yoda pez dispenser (I lost mine :P)
• - 1 large, stuffed emperor penguin (dead)
• - 1 vote from everyone in the state of Florida (just to really screw things up)
• - 1 hot-pink chainsaw with matching floral ski-mask (there isn't anything I can say here that will make you feel better, is there?)
• - 1 Big Mouth Billy Bass (the Don't Worry Be Happy edition, if possible)
• - 1 yearly membership to "Whale and Whaler" magazine (now with a limited edition model harpoon)

I expect speedy delivery on all this stuff, guys. Don't forget to tell Santa that the gerbil HAS to be alive, or else the neighbours' children won't even be scared when they see it nailed to a miniature cross on their front lawn. Until I speak again (and you listen, goddamnit!), have a wonderful holiday season, and don't forget to send in your Christmas lists. It can't hurt to ask, can it?