1. My body is due to last for some time yet. I do not need preserving, and therefore I do not need preservatives. If you want to keep my juice healthy, try a refrigerator.

2. I am not likely to grow any more than I already have. While I am short, and I appreciate the attempt to make me taller, fertilizers are not likely to give me anything other than cancer. If the juice isn't finished growing either, please do not sell it to me.

3. I do not require my juice to emit a brightly coloured radioactive glow before I drink it. Pass me juice the colour of grapefruit juice, in a bottle labelled grapefruit juice, and call it grapefruit juice, and I will probably believe you. At least until you give me reason not to.

4. Generally speaking, if I buy juice, I want the juice I thought I was buying. That's why I bought it. When you fill the bottle with juices of other fruits, or flavour my juice will Synthetic Horse Piss Ester No. 7B, you cheapen the juice, and insult it. Do not do this.

5. Inserting artificial lubricants into my juice as a money saving way of increasing the interval between bottling machine cleanings is not a good idea.

6. I have a spine. I don't need you to put sugar in my juice any more than I need you to hold my hand while I drink it. Piss off.

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Someone was listening! Tropicana now sells not from concentrate juices with NOTHING added to them, in a convenient pop-can sized bottle. Take this grapefruit juice, for example. Ingredients: 100% pure grapefruit juice. I can live with that. Tropicana, you have answered my prayers, and I will pay you handsomely in return!