It was reported in 1999 that 97 percent of all drivers in Alberta had experienced a state of "extreme rage" while on the road at least once in the past year. The good news? Alberta was the worst of the provinces. The safest place in Canada to live according to these statistics? Newfoundland! In this sunny section of our great country, a mere 85 percent of the friendly citizens *admitted* to having become murderously angry during driving. Now, can anyone explain to me why I find this so strange? To most people it's not at all surprising news! Of course, there is the fact that I live in Ontario - 93 percent of my fellow citizens have actually experienced it firsthand, and it wouldn't surprise me if 100 percent have been on the recieving end. I know I have.

Now, to clarify things a little here, road rage isn't just mild irritation or rising blood pressure. We're talking EXTREME ANGER here people. Swearing at drivers and/or giving them the finger doesn't count. No, 90 percent of Canadians have become actively violent in their cars at some point, and almost 50 percent do it on a regular basis. Some smash their own car windows, severing tendons in their hands in the process (serves the dumb fuckers right!). Some shatter their metacarpals while smashing their hands on the steering wheel - and some break the steering wheel. Some, of course, run other drivers off the road, killing young children and causing multi-car pileups. And then there's the real bright stars, who pull out their unregistered 9mm handguns and simply start blowing people away (by the way, I put the word "unregistered" in there to clarify things; to say that I support gun control at all would be the farthest thing from the truth).

So what does all this mean? Well, the stats are pretty scary, and yet nobody's doing anything about it. Why, you ask? No, I don't think you did. Because statistically speaking, chances are you're part of the problem. Assuming most readers are North American, less than 1 in every 10 of you can actually say anything without becoming a total hypocrite, because the rest of you fuckers are the damn fools who put these statistics on the news.

Road Rage is a big problem, but not the biggest. Really what it is is a symptom of a much larger problem. What is that? I'll tell ya: the world is going to hell in a handbucket. Manners are gone. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one to promote the importance of custom or tradition in our society, but some things are important. Next time someone butts ahead of you in a lineup, think about it for a change. Think about it rationally. Analyze it instead of getting annoyed. WHY are they doing that??? Well, it's pretty simple. Most people honestly believe that they are more important than everyone else around them - that they should be served first at MacDonald's; that the government owes them a living, and their fellow citizens had better get up and work for it; that someone HAS TO PAY for all the world's problems, and it had damn well better not be them. Oh, and yes, I almost forgot... that it's alright to hurt anyone who disrespects them, on the street or on the road.

"How dare you disrespect me?" How many times have we all heard that in movies? On TV? In real life? Lots. That's the line the badass always spews out of his oversized Chuck Norris mouth before he claims his right to respect by beating up on the poor underdog who ran into him on the street.

Well you know what people? I'm fucking sick of it. So here's the deal. Do I know you? Ha! For those of you who said "no", the case is simple. I don't respect you. Why should I? You've never shown me any cause for respect. You've never shown that you respect me, so why should I respect you? If you have a problem with it on the street, fine. Go ahead. Try to tell me your problems. You'll only get more and more enraged, because I won't listen to them. The second you show me that you're willing to lose your temper over nothing, you've automatically lost any feeble shred of respect I ever did have for you, and the second you let your bad temper lead to violence, I shall consider you unworthy of mere disrespect. So fine. Stop pushing me like some tough badass on the street in a gang movie. Stop trying to immitate that stupid ebonic accent - it's a big enough fucking joke coming out of Will Smith's mouth and it suits him a lot better than it suits you. In general, stop. Stop all the pissing around and actually take a shot, slowass! See if it connects. And when you're lying on the ground trying to clutch your separated shoulder, broken collar bone, shattered elbow and collapsed larynx all at once with your remaining good hand, I will be laughing and walking slowly toward the payphone where I will call 911, just to make sure you have to go through the humiliation of explaining to someone of authority exactly what happened. One way or another, you can't win. Anything you start with violence, I will end with more. And for those of you in cars, pretty much all I can say is "grow up". Do I look impressed that you know how to swear? Of course not. And don't try that run-the- smaller-car-off-the-road bullshit either. I'll just pull over and let you drive on. It makes sense, really, because anyone who had a real beef with me would stop as well and talk/fight it out. Come on people. Be a real man (or woman)! Especially you big tough trucker types. I bet you don't feel so big without the twelve tonnes of vehicle backing you. But hey, who cares, you're still bigger than I am. So once again, just fucking try it. I'm sick of pissing around. Take the shot for real. PLEASE!

Ah! That'll be the day. Oh well, no matter. Maybe I'll get what I want. Maybe some day one of you road rage people will actually show you have a slightly smaller mouth and slightly larger penis than normal. But honestly, I doubt it. You're all just a bunch of fucking cowards. That's why you only get violent when you're in a car, where no one can get at you. You don't have any balls. Not likely, anyway. And if any of you ever come around who DO, you might be picking them up off the side of the road while I'm raiding your car for cash and resellables, because I have no ethics at all. Ha! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Anyway, the moral? Look to the title! Halfwit, control thyself! Or better yet, don't! But really go at it for a change, 'cause I'm sick of these sort-of encounters. I'm looking for a real chance to meet real people, and honestly, even if your whole beef with me is due to a bad temper and irrational behaviour, the one person who stands up and tries (feebly, most likely) to fight me will be the one who gets my respect, because at least that dumbassed, brainless piece of sub-human shit had the balls to stand up for himself, and that's one commodity which is becoming more and more rare. Back your anger up with something people. Otherwise, even the passive ones like me will just walk right over you and keep going.