Kill her

That's not really very helpful

Frankly... she doesn't sound like someone worth having a "good" relationship with, let alone a relationship at all. However, she is family. Before, in my more naive-opptimistic life, I would have suggest you always make sure every time you hear her name, speak with her, whatever, to place your pride in a strong box so it can't possibly get hurt and fight back. Be the strong one by being mature. But now, I think to myself, after watching my friend Thunderchicken have to go through putting on a face with her mother-in-law, Why is it worth it? When you're an outsider like me, it is so much easier to say Screw her! But when I place myself in your shoes, it becomes much harder to say that, even impossible. And you're stuck with having to deal with this... thing... with no way out. Your fiancee from what you've described briefly, and what I believe will legally become your Son, are where you may draw your strength from. After all, what else is family?

Hope that helps.

I conquer with morgan
er.. concurr
.. ps. I love you

Yeah it is just really hard to say "screw her" I come from a broken home, and my mom and my step mom tried to get along, where as my dad and my step father did not. I know it would have been easier on me if they would have gotten along, so that is what I am trying to do for my step-son.

Yikes. Well, I have a whole heap of personal background that I thought about throwing into this discussion, but it's probably not relevant at the moment. What I can say is this:

Replacement parenting is a paradox. In essence, you're telling a child that their biological parent is unfit to act as a caregiver. For this reason, you have taken on certain responsibilities - even though you are not the biological parent. In light of these Responsibilities (capital 'r' because they're pretty damned important), you can still never be the biological parent. There is you, and then there is this *other* kind of mother. And the other kind of mother will always be mysterious - a person with a strong connection to the child. His imagination will run with it... and he'll wonder. Even when the role of their biological parent is minimized for the appropriate reasons, children long for a substantive connection to that parent. Okay, you know ALL of this. Here's my point:

You have your step-son's (no quotes, because I really really dislike titles, and how they make people uncomfortable) best interests at heart. (This is an assumption. I don't know you, and I wouldn't presume to believe that everything you say here, or anywhere else for that matter, is an accurate representation of your world. This is not an idle consideration - we're talking about the welfare of a child, and the relationship with that child as represented by you is something that will always need to be evaluated. Why always? Well, unfortunately, you need a license to drive a car but not to raise a child. Parents - surrogate and biological - fuck up, and it's our (society's) job to make sure that certain minimum standards are met. I'll move on. *)* These "best interests" are going to include a fruitful relationship with the biological mother. As you are a mother figure (hell, you're a mother, just not THE mother), your step son will look to you for feedback on how to deal with his mother. If your contempt for this person is clear, then believe me that your fiancee's child will adopt this contempt. (I thin it's a valid observation, but I can really only substantiate that claim with personal history. This is how I learned to treat my mother.) Now, on to my analysis of "the person-parent."

Parents are people. This lady is a person. She is, from all practical appearances, a *stupid* person. There are reasons for this!! (Maybe not "good" reasons; having "reasons" doesn't justify behavior. Nevertheless, understanding reasons are key to understanding behavior. Given that that is the case, it is important to try to understand what her reasons are. This is a very critical process, because she probably doesn't understand her reasons. So "selfish" is rarely a good answer, as they always ARE selfish - duh! So what? Who cares? Where do these selfish reasons come from?) Any good relationship with a parent will always include the realization that parents are people and are capable of mistakes. Here's the key thing: Children should not be expected to serve as counselors, advisors, or mediators to their parents. We cannot move them through their problems. All that we can do is develop a relationship within the framework of their flaws. (Isn't this the way we navigate all of our inter-personal relationships? Especially those among us who have the ability to discern a person's demons, but then consciously choose to NOT throw it up in their faces). My relationship with my mother was once horrendous. Today, the strength of my relationship rests upon a foundation of love (co-passion) and respect. I was able to respect and love my mother only after I understood her faults for exactly what they are - part of any person's life. Were some of her faults reprehensible? Sure. But that's my mom, yo! And I got nothin' but love for her.

So, make no mistake about it - your step son will one day feel a strong desire to know about his mother's life, about her personal struggles. And the best thing that you can do for him is to make sure that he has the tools to confront and deal with his mother as a person. These tools will be, to a large extent, inherited from behavior that is patterned from your own. Be as consistent as possible with respect to his mother. Don't get caught yelling about her, or at her, becaues then you'll be forced to ignore the topic or to lie about it. If his mother is a "bad" person, then let him make that judgement. Give him a tabula rasa, and the relevant tools for scribbling all over the damn thing.

Tomorrow is my mom's birthday! :-)

I know this post is kind of old, but I had a few thoughts too.

There is no law that says you have to like this woman. Be civil when you have to be and keep the negativity toward her away from your step son. Chances are, she's not worth your time anyway. Children are so perceptive it's amazing sometimes. Just be you and be the best step mother that you can be by keeping that boy's best interests in mind. He'll see his mom for what she's worth as he gets older and who knows, maybe one day she'll get her act together::shrug::

All the best,

Brandy,
www.stepmomgroup.com

I know that this is a bit late; however I just found this sie! I am married with three step children; and my husband relocated in January; his oldest son lives with me. I get his brother and sister bevert other weeken; I just dod as well. The one that lives with me was "the problem"; however he is now "in a good place"; according to his Mom; who I love dearly and consider a friend. Originally he was supposed to go with us when we relocated; but I have a "gut instinct" that because of how much better he id doing here that she will not let him go. I am alright with that; as long as it lasts I just don't want to be a "fix it" shop. Anyone have this issue?