Hey yo :)

There's a lot to this response, but I hope you read it all. I've tried to make it worthwhile.

You aren't the only one, believe me. In fact, genetically, to one degree or another, humans can be characterized by an inability to feel satisfied with their lives or themselves. Our constant need for progression, technologically, socially or otherwise, is the reason our race has survived as long as it has, so one can expect one's surroundings to seem inadequate at all times. And though logic may dominate your thoughts on your own value as a person, it does not dominate your emotions. We are hardwired to judge ourselves relative to others, and by our position in a social hierarchy. Though you may be capable of rising above your baser self and believing that you are something special, feeling that way is another matter entirely, unless of course you happen to be at the top of the heap, so to speak.

So, now you're probably wondering what I'm getting at. I'll try and sum it up. Everyone is guilty of humanity to some degree. Even myself. Even you. And I believe this is an example. You aren't malformed, and really, you probably don't even believe you're malformed. You just feel like you are. You have a pretty clear vision of what you want for your life, but a somewhat nebulous understanding of the reason for your dissatisfaction with life as it is now, and what's even less tangible is the path between the two.

Think back to your days in theatre. I don't think I've ever seen you work that hard for anything before. And I don't think you've changed that much since, either. The difference, as I see it, is that with theatre, the path is laid out for you by trained professionals. Imagine if the rest of life was like that. You signed up for a "make life what it's supposed to be" club, and were promptly confronted with detailed instructions on everything that was expected of you in order to be satisfied, not to mention tough-as-nails instructors who got behind you with whips and made damn sure you were committed. I'd guess, under those conditions, we'd all reach our optimal state of happiness pretty soon.

Now, I have to take issue with your use of words like "reckless" and "irresponsible". You don't want to do things that are reckless or irresponsible; those things are damaging to others, and you aren't a loser who would think that acceptable. All you want is to be free to do and to be what comes naturally, without being chained to a job, a child, a relationship, a house, and all those things that tend to accumulate with age, much as you've pointed out above. Society will indoctrinate you to believe that to want or to make use of this freedom is irresponsible, but that is a lie. Freedom is not reckless; it's noble. It's only belittled by society in this way because the rest of society walked into the trap, and now they're bitter, and jealous of those who still have their freedom. If you don't want a child, make damn sure you're smart enough not to end up with one. If a typical relationship is not for you, then hold out for a relationship that does work. And if you're smart, and you stand up for yourself, you'll find that the compromises you make for your love are a pleasure to make. I'd be in Costa Rica right now, getting fit and saving money and being able to breathe, if it weren't for Deanna. She wants to stay at Western till she's done her degree, because she has good friends and she likes it there. It means a lot to her, so I've chosen to hang around, on the condition that we can leave after she's done school. This isn't a responsibility that came with age; it's one I took on willingly, and happily. She's well worth it. If I didn't feel that way, I'd stand up for myself, and be smart, and get the hell down to Costa Rica. Either way, the freedom remains. What else chains you down later in life? Employment? Your goal is to be a writer. If you succeed, you aren't chained to anything. You can go where you want and do what you like, and the job doesn't get in the way. Again, people scoff at those who live such a lifestyle, but really what they're saying is "I couldn't pull that off, and I'm jealous, 'cause it looks nice." A mortgage? Be careful with your houses and make smart purchases, and you'll likely be able to sell and make a profit, whenever you feel you need to. Maybe it won't happen overnight, but if you do it right, it can be quick and relatively painless. Some people move from house to house making improvements as their chief source of income, so it can't be that bad. Friends? If they care about you, they'll give you your space.

See what I'm getting at here? It's not age that boxes people in and takes the fun out of life; it's only bad choices and stupid decisions and, actually, recklessness and irresponsibility. The reckless choice to marry the wrong person. The irresponsible action of getting pregnant when you know a child isn't what you want.

You're smarter than most; you won't make these dumb choices like everyone else does, and so with a little effort, you'll never have to worry about being stuck in a rut later in life. You aren't malformed. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you. You aren't well suited for this particular lifestyle, but hey... this is North America: it's a soulless, heartless, worthless lifestyle to begin with. And, while the clock is certainly ticking, you've got plenty of time left. Calm down, quit worrying, and take the time you need to figure out your next step. What will become clear as you progress is that there isn't only one path that leads to your happiness. There's a network of them, in three (or more) dimensions, interconnecting and crossing each other, doubling back, moving laterally, looping around and spiralling inward. No wrong move, no matter how severe, will be a permanent setback, and you aren't going to get directly to where you want to be without some intermediary stage(s), so take what seems to be the right choice now, and run with it, and don't look back, and don't worry about what comes next until you've found out where you ended up.

That's the best advice I can give.

Also, we need to get together soon. I want to have a big party with many people. You shall be invited.

This is happy advice and it reaffirms the greatness of my plot to try and get a little store. I really think that if I could write and have a store with twinkle lights in the window, then I would never want for anything else.

i love it when a comment is bigger than the article.

Damnit, Linky, I thought your comment *was* the article...at least until I read some of it >:)

I also agree with all of it, and shall only add a directive to grap* life by the metaphorical nads and yank it into line.

This way, you will have your store with twinkle lights in the window.

>:)

*grap: (v) a compound word, derived from 'grasp' and 'grab', which means "to dig in with nails"

Hurrah for long comments!

Oddly, I was also thinking not so long ago that I'd like to have a little shop. Mine was a tea house. I don't think my idea would be economically feasible unless there was another profit source for the location, as it's likely to bring in about $100 per day, tops, and cost about $1,000 per month for rent alone. But, if I can think of another way of making money off the space at the same time, it just might fly.

an internet tea house! problem solved.... during high tea you kick the runny nosed teenagers out and let the high society in!

I wanted to sell tea too... and maybe in Bar Harbour... in which case you could run the tea-half.

Also, Grap is the best word ever.