There are a few things I've observed since I started doing this worthless piece of shit job. I'd like to share them:

1) Beer store employees are generally cheery and polite; LCBO employees are generally miserable and rude. I attribute this discrepancy to the temperature differential between the two chains. Conclusion: cold people are happier.

2) I appear considerably older at Beer Store locations than I do at the LCBO. I can only assume that this too is a temperature issue.

3) People do not drink good beer. Ever. They don't usually even drink decent beer. A world of selection ready to be dropped at their door and yet I almost never have to stray from the quick-grab wall. My respect for society has reached a new low.

4) The Beer Store doesn't even *sell* good beer; for anything half-decent I have to go to the LCBO.

5) Only two bands are ever played in Beer Stores: Led Zeppelin, and Jethro Tull. One day I heard Skating Away on the Thin Ice of the New Day, No Quarter, Dazed and Confused, Night Flight, Aqualung, The Rover and the first song from Benefit - all in different visits to multiple stores. I've heard Led Zeppelin that I thought nobody but me even knew existed. I've heard Jethro Tull that I *didn't* know existed. I own eleven Jethro Tull albums.

6) Beer Store employees do not appear to realize that all the music in all their stores was made by the same two bands. Some of them have not even heard of "Zeppelin" or "Tull". When I ask them, their eyes glaze over and they become nervous. I think they may be automatons. This may explain their apparent ability to maintain homeostasis in a suboptimal temperature range for long periods of time.

7) 28 bottles of beer weigh at least twice as much as 24 bottles of beer. Carrying two 24's is not difficult; carrying a 24 and a 28 is virtually impossible.

8) People do not drink interesting alcohol. Virtually every LCBO order is for Bacardi, Sauza, Canadian Club or Smirnoff. See 3.

9) There may or may not actually be government housing projects in London.

10) Everyone you know is exceptionally clean, and remarkably tolerable in every way. You don't know what intolerable is until you have been simultaneously hugged and verbally threatened by a man who hasn't been sober - or showered - since before you were born.

 

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