Rules of the Road

To be an adequately aggressive driver one must partake in the rules of the road. Here are three very basic rules that we should all follow while driving.

Rule 1: Always Be Unpredictable.

When you are speeding down a freeway (one of those big roads with big sighs and no stops) and you see a sign coming up with your exit, you must, by no means move over to the exiting lane and prepare to depart. It is essential that you drive exceeding the speed limit up to and including a minimum of 50 feet before your exit. At which point you then must proceed to swerve across 3 lanes of traffic and make your exit gracefully. This is a very hard procedure to master. Failures of said procedure are often forced to reverse on the highway. Which is ok, because that to is unpredictable behavior.

City driving is no different. We all know the left lane is the “fast” lane, so why would you ever ever want to ride in the right lane? To effectively make a right hand turn you must drive fast, speed up and pass all the cars, then slam on the brakes and make your quick turn cutting off anybody in your way. It’s essential that you make it to your destination 3 seconds ahead of schedule. That is a very important 3 seconds that you could use more wisely to jerk off a yak.

Rule 2: Be Very Inconsistent.

Nobody likes a predictable driver. Nobody likes a smooth steady drive to work. This is where it is essential that you drive faster than the speed limit then slow down below the speed limit. However, it is more important that you do this at very irregular intervals. We donÂ’t want you to become predictable. The occasional swerve out of the appropriate lane is also highly recommended during this practice.

It has been said this technique is highly valued in the world of sex. Fast-Slow-Fast-Slow Swerve-Swerve-Swerve. People who follow this rule to the T are often said to be wonders between the sheets.

Rule 3: Never Ever Signal.

This follows suit closely to rule number one and two. By signaling your intentions you are violating rule number one. To do so often you violate both rules. Swerving lanes is the best approach to get to where you want. All of us know this and many of us practice this.

As a strong tactic of confusion, it is often recommended, one should turn on a signal and leave it on for 20 kilometers of highway and then turn in the opposite way. This leaves the followers in a state of delirium while they try and decide what the hell you are doing.

Non signaled turns are also very effective against non-motorized traffic. Bikers and pedestrians are always left in a state of shock when you turn and they didnÂ’t expect it.

With a powerful set of rules our roads will only get safer. It will be safe to a point where everybody can enjoy a drive to work or to the club. It makes me proud to be on the road every day knowing that people care and knowing that I can make a difference in this world.

* no yaks were jerked off in the making of this article.

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